They always did tell me "Life isn't fair" when I was growing up.. how true.. how true indeed.

Many apologies lovely people for as you would have (perhaps?) noticed I have been a little absent of late.  I've been going through a little personal turmoil, and I couldn't find the inspiration to write, so I thought best to lay low on the blog for a moment. 

The baby conversation has been bought up at our house again by our precious five year old.  It's almost as if Joe knows what has been ringing around my head since I took up this project, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that our family is again talking baby with new little Evie on the scene (and she is so incredibly beautiful).  I'm a member of several wonderful support groups and I'll just share what I wrote on one of these to give you an idea of what's been going on...

"I need some advice - last night my cherub wanted to talk about the babies before him, he does this often.. He tells me one was his brother and one his sister. He asked me, so innocently if he could go to heaven 'just for a minute' to meet them and tell them he wished they has survived because he missed them.. I'm sure many of you have had your children ask such things? Joe cried when I told him that's not how it works and he said the people in heaven must be mean if they wouldn't let him in. I'm not religious and I don't really know how to handle this, it's hard for me not to cry when we talk about it and I need some idea of how to explain things to him to make it easier for his little five year old self. He often says 'it's not fair we couldn't keep them' and I do so agree......help?? I need a battle plan, I find it extremely hard to think through the intense sadness that hits me like a brick wall the instant we go there and find something comforting to say to him..  :( "

I'm not asking for advice here, simply telling you that I've not been onboard for a good reason.  The other question I've been getting alot is "I want a brother or a sister".  This is fair, and he has no idea how much I'd love to give him one, but for us that is not meant to be.  Joe is our miracle and I was lucky to survive him and to risk more would be risking leaving him without a mother.  We're getting there, but it's hard for him to understand that I'm not just being mean when I say no and that I often cry for the babies I couldn't have, and the lots of brothers and sisters we originally had planned... we were going to have such a tribe!  Unfotunately, someone had other plans for us.  The thing I find hardest is when he asks me at random times (ie in the supermarket... he obviously mulls these things over alot..) "Mum, is it because I'm naughty that we can't have another baby?"  *insert sound of mothers heart breaking* He is anything but the kind of child that would put you off having more.  My boy, is beautiful.  He has a beautiful heart, he's kind, he's sweet, he's thoughtful, he's noisy, he's very much a boy and he is perfect.  I would have a million of him... one day he'll understand I suppose.

Sorry to everyone that I told I would throw some prompting questions up here for - I am halfway through them and will post them very shortly (better late than never right?)

It's not that I'm being lazy - far from it actually..

I'm one of these not so tech savvy kind of people.  It's not because I'm old, I'm only 31 (once, this sounded ancient but now I'm there I've decided 80 is old and I have a while before I get there)  It's because I'm stubborn.  I get annoyed at how quickly things change.  The "new" thing that you've just learnt how to use after owning it for five months is no longer the best, newest or most appropriate.  I spend every day learning something about parenting or my work - things that I HAVE to learn about.... WHY would I purchase something I would have to spend lots of time learning how to use and then as soon as I've mastered it - upgrade and start again??

This is why I have one of those old flip style phones that calls and texts and that, thankyou ladies and gentlemen, is all *takes a bow on behalf of the simplistic device* 

However, lately I have seen the beauty of the little phones that are like mini computers.  You know, the ones that the people you are trying to converse with in the real world are using to coverse with people on the other side of the globe via the world wide web all the while not looking at you, but nodding and uhuhing in the sometimes appropriate places.

It would be handy to check my emails, or update my blog - as I don't often get time to stop and do such things - everything is done on the fly.  How many blog posts have I written in my head this week?  Ummmm.... many! How many have made it to the blog... erm.. *twiddles thumbs* ...

I have a voice recorder which my beautiful husband purchased to help me get my writings out of my head and into the computer. I have now tossed in my handbag and from now on, when I feel a little inspiration coming on I shall speak to myself (as it's usually whilst driving) and type it in later. 

That's fairly random information you probably didn't need to know.  Just letting you see that I am human, and will not always (most likely) be talking about this book - outside of it, other things happen. 

On topic however I have had many emails this week and some half finished "Is this what you were after" stories.  Kylee who blogs here has sent me half her journey with the beautiful Miss V.  It took me several tries to read what I have received so far.  I read, teared up, got coffee, read, teared up, folded washing, read, replied to email, and finished it.  Kylee said how hard it had been to recount those days - as we had expected it would be.  Yet she has done a beautiful job. 

Here, is a tiny extract of Kylee's Story - "Are you okay?"

"Those 3 little words…..”Are You OK?” I thought I was OK. As my Obstetrician was explaining to me what he had seen on the ultra sound, I thought I took it all in. I was fine I guess with the information he was giving me, up until I got up to leave, and he asked me “Are you OK?” That was the moment I burst into tears, and just cried and cried and cried. They took me into another room where one of the midwives was and called my husband Marcus to come and drive me….while I waited I was offered a cup of tea…..that’s all I remember…..when Marcus got there, Jamie came to speak to him to tell him what he had seen on the ultra sound."

It's funny isn't it.  That we can often hold it so together....until someone asks if we are okay.  (Or in my case, until I see/hear my mum!)

From little things, BIG things grow!

It started as a good idea.  Formed in the back of my mind, constantly pushed aside because I have been "too busy"...  But then I scribbled on a piece of paper and it seemed do-able.  I spoke to a few people in not so confident whispers and they said "Do it, we'll contribute".  I posted in a forum I'm a member of and got a great response.  Then, somehow - it became real.

Some very exciting things have happened this last week.  I have been getting a several emails a day from people who are wishing (so generously) to share their stories.  Already, I have three completed stories in my hot little hands.  One is a 22 page journal which I am working my way through (box of tissues beside me) and will use appropriate sections of in the book.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by all the support and peoples willingness to talk about the moments that changed their lives.  For every one of you that has shared this, has offered to contribute or are reading this now I thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, thankyou for helping me make this happen.


In the next week or so I will be popping a list of questions that you can answer if you are wanting to write but just have no clue where to start or what to say.  So keep your eye out for that.

Enjoy your night (go hug your children)

Trine xxx

A project with heart, requires your story.

My name is Katrina, though everyone calls me Trine.  I am 31 years old.  I am a wife and mother.  There is nothing particularily interesting about me or my life.  I'm a daughter, a sister, and aunt.  I have no particular talents that stand me apart from others.  I work two jobs, neither of them being to do with something I'm passionate about, but they pay the bills and afford me small amounts of time with my beautiful little boy.

Why on earth has someone so ordinary bothered to start a blog you ask?  Well, that's a very good question, and please - grab a coffee to wake you up and read on.  Please, I would love you to let me know what you think of how I'm spending my spare time.

I'm compiling a book and have thus far recieved quite alot of very positive responses to my project. What is it about? Righto here we go.......

I am putting together a book specifically aimed at people who have just been told that there is something wrong with their child - either during pregnancy or afterwards. Also including those that have been told early on in their pregnancy of a significant problem, then made the difficult decision to terminate and how they dealt with that on an emotional level.

I don't want to put together a medical journal - that would be missing the whole point. It is not to be focused on EXACTLY what the problem is/was in depth. What I want are a compilation of stories from the perspective of mums/dads/uncles/aunts/grandparents/siblings etc that deal with the emotional rollercoaster. I want raw, honest emotion. What I really want is to be able to produce a book for those people who are feeling incredibly angry/confused/lost/helpless but also the positive people who have taken the news in their stride and gone - OK, what do we do from here. I want mums and dads to be able to find a story they can identify with and hopefully - that lets them know how they are dealing with this hurdle is normal (even if they are laying in bed crying) and someone else has been there and gotten through it. I want relatives or friends to be able to pick up this book and understand where their loved on is right now and exactly what they may be experiencing. Because as you know, until you've walked a mile in someone’s shoes...

I want to hear exactly how people felt at THAT moment when you heard the news or felt themselves that something wasn't right (were you in denial, did you jump into action?) and then afterwards. How other people reacted, friends or family or just the lady on the street.

I was wondering if any of you would be interested in writing a piece for the book? There is no pressure or hurry - right now I'm not even past the touching base with people stage, though I have a number of people already writing a draft for me to work on :) I don't expect a whole books worth, this is to be a bunch of short stories not long journeys through your lives. You don't have to have your name attached (maybe just your first name or anon) I don't want anything prettied up - I've heard one lady say that sadly, for a few weeks towards the end of her pregnancy she hated her baby and blamed it for ruining her life (this didn't last thankfully) I'm sure she isn't the only one that has felt such pain and so alone.

Feel free to forward my details to anyone you think may be interested in participating in this they don't need to be a super writer - everything will be edited and chopped and fixed up later anyway and the end product will go back to the owner of the piece it for their approval. My email is katrinakruse@hotmail.com

I have already received some very positive feedback and I really want to get this off the ground. I've heard several people talk about how dark and alone they felt being surrounded by people who didn't really grasp the way it impacts your soul finding out that your baby is, although absolutely perfect to you, going to face such hurdles in their lives. As a parent, there are so many emotional responses involved in being given any less than perfect outcome for the little being that you want to see grow up, marry, have children, be independant, travel, have a career etc. We start out, upon finding out we're pregnant with so many hopes and dreams for this little person growing in our bellies.
I hope that we can make just a handful of people, feel a little less alone and give them the truth as to how a "normal" person has coped already with this verdict (or not coped either way..)

Please as I said forward my details to anyone you think might also want to tell their story bearing in mind it needn't be a deeply impacting problem - it could be something as simple as hearing difficulties, or resulted in losing your angel.

It's all about hearing a Doctor say something you wish they'd take back and how this changed your world forever.

Thankyou for reading this. I've also contacted many (many) different medical centers and support systems to try to tease stories out of people. If you know someone who may be interested in being involved - or you think their story should be told, please let me know.

Thankyou all so, so much. I understand this is a sensitive subject, and alot of people wouldn't like to discuss it. But sometimes I've found it's the stories that aren't told that are the ones that could help someone else to cope a little better. Pre my little guy arriving, with the losses I suffered I had never felt so incredibly alone, and so wrong to be so wishing I had died too. I felt that according to the world I should have just picked myself up out of the hospital bed and gone "meh... well, maybe next time" dusted my hands off and gotten on with life like it'd never happened.

If even one of you forwards this, or shares your story I thank you so greatly in advance!

Trine xxxx