Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Self preservation says...

That for a while I am taking a step back from this project. I am really struggling with many things at the moment and I require a little selfish mental vacation from everything extra curricular.
I simply can't give anything else the heart it deserves right now so, I am retreating for a time until my other goings on are sorted.
I used to be such a nice, constantly positive person with so much love and light to give (My sister pointed out she missed that woman, that she has become so lost to those I love truly hurts)
Many things have broken me down over the years and I haven't been running fast enough to stay ahead of them as I've grown weary from the chase.
I will sort things out - sometimes it's just harder than you think it will be. Eventually I will be whoever I was. Right now I'm a bit of a uselessly hollow whinging shell of the person I used to know as me.
So, as I don't wish to inflict this on any one of you and your stories deserve my 300% of effort and skill I will return, with a team of support and knowledge (This is proving too big to do alone, with no emotional supporters nearby) at some point - hopefully in the no to distant future.

Thankyou for your input, stories and support thus far. I will be back, and if you are still on board at that time, together we will get this book out there . Please do keep working on your story, and asking others to do the same. Still send them through - just be aware that no editing etc will be embarked upon for a while. I'm sorry.... I feel terrible... But this mental break is essential for me.

Sending you all the kindest thoughts I can muster xxxxx

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Today I was due..

A million years ago on this day I had a due date. A day that should have outshined Christmas. Instead I have a day that means nothing but cricket and recovering from the exhaustion of Christmas Day.
I have a day that means only something quietly to me, one that no one else remembers, one I can't celebrate nor grieve.
A pregnancy that has become the pivotal event in my life, that has shaped it ever since.
I wish I knew you.
I wish I got to hold your hand while you had a tantrum in the supermarket over not being allowed a lolly. I wish I got to stay up, checking your temperature every 20 mins because you were ill and I was worried. I wish I could have watched you wander off to your first day of kinder, or argued with you about eating your dinner -again.
I wish you were remembered by others, so I didn't feel so lonely in my sadness.
I loved you.
You existed to me.
I remember... Though sometimes I wish I could forget.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Reflections of Motherhood

This is a clip we should all have watched before our babies came.. I can identify most with the one about sitting up at night just watching him breathe when he's sick... oh, how many nights I've done that...

Merry Christmas everyone!
I hope it's an easy one in your house this year xxx

Friday, 2 December 2011

Wish for me...

Just let me cry

I found this today on Angels of the Heart and had to repost it. I'm sure like for me, this speaks for many of you also xx
♥ Please See Me Through My Tears ♥

You asked, "How are you doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me had drained away.

"How am I doing?"
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable.
If you've never known it, you cannot fully understand.
Yet I need you.
When you look away,
I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're nature's way of helping me to heal.
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,
Not knowing what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don't need to do a thing but be there.

When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me.
You need not speak.... Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient...do not fear.
Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the pain
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud, clearing space
for a touch of joy in my life.
I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots... because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears.
Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness and YOU, because suddenly we are distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...
then we can be close again.
~Author Unknown

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

The world changed dramatically today..six years ago

December 1st 2005 at 9.58am Joseph Michael Kruse came into the world weighing in at 9 pound 3 ounces.
After a six and a half hour labour during which, when the midwife said push i said no, because I was still waiting for the bad bit to come.. (When the midwife said "Push next contraction sweetheart" I said "No thanks, it's okay"  She said "You need to push, your baby is ready to come out" Me "No, really not yet" Midwife "Humour me" Me "Alright... but... " and a very VERY short time later I was holding him!)

The very first hands he felt were those of his glowingly proud Daddy who delivered him, and placed him on my chest.
He was the most beautiful little thing I had ever laid my eyes on - and wonderfully annoyed at the disturbance to his previously wet and comfy world. 
It's so true that there is nothing quite as beautiful as your babies first cry.  It brings on a flood of emotions that you just cannot imagine, or prepare yourself for.

I have never felt the world to be so instantly changed as at that moment... It was suddenly both more wonderful, and more scary all at the same time.
Parenthood is both the greatest gift, the most rewarding thing I have embarked upon and also the hardest, most emotional thing I have ever attempted.
I have never been so challenged.  Never felt such elation at times, and at other times so defeated.  I have often wondered if I'm cut out for this role of motherhood.  But even when I feel I'm the worst parent in the world he still loves me...
I suppose that cuts both ways really though. Because even when he's driving me absolutely crazy and I am battling with idea's on how to combat his terrible new behaviour or he's just drawn on the wall or dug (another) hole in the middle of the lawn to play soldiers in... I love him right through it all with every fibre of my body and there is nothing I wouldn't do or sacrifice for him.
He is the greatest gift I have ever received and the biggest most wonderful part of my life.

Happy sixth birthday to the most important person in my world- My Joe xxx

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

They need your red stuff!

Did you know that in every state of Australia blood supplies are down?

Here in Tasmania, where they like to run at a 6 day supply MINIMUM we are now down to 2.5 to 3 days worth of stocks... provided nothing goes majorly wrong..

When you take into account the holiday season coming up and the accidents that happen during this time, combined with the fact that lots of people are off holidaying and not doing their regular trip to the donation point I find this a little scary - don't you?

So I've rounded up a few people to come with me to donate some of their red stuff.  Why don't you do the same?  Guilt a friend into coming to hold your hand.  Put on your brave face and take an hour out of your life to potentially save someone else's.

I needed a transfusion after my son was born.  Without it I would have been in quite a bit of trouble.  It is possible that Joe would have ended up motherless.  If that blood hadn't been available, my entire families lives would be different.

I'd like to repay the debt. 

There are lots of myths around blood donation so let me help dispel some of them.

1. You CAN donate if you have had a transfusion.  So long as it was within Australia and over 12 months ago (and you have the all clear from your GP)

2. You CAN donate if you have tattoo's.  They just have to be older than 6 months ago.

3. You CAN donate if you're 16 or over (in QLD you need parental permission if you are under 17)

4. You CAN donate if your baby is 9 months old.

5. You CAN donate if you are an absolute pussy -


I once punched a doctor when I was younger and he wanted to give me a needle (for good reason) I didn't mean to, I have a phobia...... this sometimes makes you a little crazy!!  I have had to have many MANY blood tests and shots in my life since and there is a point where it became something I was doing for my child... and that helps me get past it. 

I still feel squeamish at the thought of a needle. 
I sometimes cope wonderfully with my blood tests, other times I cry... it just happens, I can't help it. 
I don't mind admitting this because I'm human, we all have fears and things we don't cope with that well. 

This is mine. 

 I'm going to push past my frightened as hell because of the good it may do. I could let a mum have more time with her baby (like many people did for previously posted about Charlie and Steph)

That's better than any gift I can think of.  And it's certainly worth me putting myself through a little turmoil.

I'd like to give props to my Mum here.  She is one of the most selfless people I know and since my baby sister (now in her early 20's) came along she has found the time to donate over 80 times.  She now goes almost fortnightly to donate plasma which is a much more intensive and time consuming process. 

My Mum is my hero.  She's MY lifesaver when ever I need her, she is always....just...there... 

My beautiful Mum xx

and I have no doubt through her constant selflessness that her blood has been a lifesaver to many other families.

If my Mum can do it 80 times.... I can do it too.

Will you?

Please call them on 131495 and book your appointment!

(I'd love to know if you do!)

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

G-Mae please put your hand up!!

Getting ready to write the names down.. c'mon I need a treat every now and then too ;)
Well the end Tally was $386.00.

Thankyou to everyone that shared, and to The wonderful few that added to my pot taking the donation far higher than I thought it would be.

As you can see I conned My Mum into helping with the draw :) Gorgeous isn't she :)

At the closing minute she threw in $50 which got it up to the end tally!
The lovely Georgina Ross is the lady picked from the hat and she has decided she'd like the money donated to Yasminah's gift of Hope... And I think that's a wonderful place for it to go xx

I've asked Bec from Yasminah's Gift of Hope (YGOH) to do a guest post so you can all learn about the wonderful things they do :)

Awesome people, you're all awesome!

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The donation has grown... I'm so touched xx

You are all incredible.

Your support for this project is so appreciated.

For every "share" of my blog and page


This post is exciting... well.. I'm excited.. and touched.. and a little emotional..

I have another announcement, one which had me shedding a quiet little happy tear (I am very tired today.. I loathe hate detest croup and my poor little boys weak respiratory system.  Annnnyways...)

I received a message from ANOTHER wonderful young woman, Casey Lange who had been reading my blog and asked if she also could match my donation to the charity of choice from tomorrows hat picking draw...

Could she?

My good goodness YES!!

How incredible is that?  How beautiful!!

I am exhausted today, but the messages I've been receiving and the support for what I'm doing has me so uplifted.

I am so incredibly grateful to you all for reading, following, sharing, liking, talking about, supporting and encouraging my project.

This is just a little something to give back to everyone.

You ALL deserve this donation.

But it's okay...

I'm working on something else for a little later on ;)