Exactly WHAT am I asking for?

I've had many emails from people offering up their story, the tale of their not so textbook launch into parenthood.  To all those that have contacted me I thank you greatly - if I haven't gotten back to you in a while I will eventually (remember, this is my "spare time" project!?). 
I have been overwhelmed by what I have read so far, and there is much more to come.

Many have said they would like to share but are unsure of exactly what they should write... so I thought I'd pop (finally) a few things here that I was hoping you'd cover - obviously you don't have to cover them all, and you may wish to talk about completely different things that you went or are still going through - this is absolutely fine.  You are sharing your personal account of your emotional rollercoaster, whatever you wish to share is fine, each persons journey is different, each person deals with thing or found certain things to be stronger than another. 

Don't take my "suggestions" on topics as the rule - I am simply wanting to give guidance to those that want to share but are a little lost.  If you are going somewhere totally different with your story DO IT! 

So, here is what I'm thinking on POSSIBLE things to cover.

Firstly, please try to stay away from too many technical medical jargon.  Some of this may be necessary to the story but this is basically about the human element, the rollercoaster of feelings you rode or are riding.  Also please try not to accuse any medical professionals of anything, that's not appropriate in this book.  So upon saying that...

1. How you felt upon finding out you were pregnant (was it planned, a nice/poorly timed suprise, IVF etc) The hopes and dreams you entertained in the pre news stage.
2. A little about the pregnancy ie, was it "textbook" how did you feel both physically and emotionally, how did your PARTNER feel and do during this time (please don't forget him, he went through this too)

3. I suppose the important bit for this particular project is the moment that you discovered something was wrong.  Was it a gut feeling you had and followed up on it?  Was it a shock at a scan? Was it at birth? Was it several years into your child life?

4. How was this news broken and by whom?

5. What was your inital reaction?  What was your partners reaction? Did you go numb, feel lost or confused or fall apart?  Did you begin the grieve right then? (this applies I think even if the outcome isn't certain death, to each piece of bad news we experience a grief process) Did you react with anger - to whom was this directed?  Did you remain calm and it was other people that reacted strongly (ie partner, your parents, friends etc) In that first few moments, exactly what went through your mind.

6. Who did you tell first?  What were the reactions of friends and family (on a continued basis - the initial reaction to your news and then later - did they support you, did you lose friends, were they uncomfortable or did they really shine for you?)

 7. What were you told the outcome for your child was and the timeframe you were looking at? How did you deal with this? ---
---For some of you the "problem" was temporary and eventually fixable or at least manageable, for others it has meant a lifetime of dedication and work, some got only moments - if that - with their miracle.. for each of you the guidelines and story are different, please take all this with a grain of salt and simply let the emotional side of your journey flow..When I receive your story I shall let you know if there is something that I would like covered a little more intensely IF you are comfortable with that.

8. If you have other children I think it's important to try to get a little of how you dealt with their questions and how they coped with things.

9. Did you reach out to others going through the same thing as you? Do you now? What or who have you found that helps you?

10. If your child is still with us ( yay!) how are they? What is their quality of life and how do you cope emotionally and physically each day?  If not, did you have a funeral and how did you cope with that? Have you set anything up in their name to remember them by or help others through what you have or are experiencing?

11.  How has all this affected your relationships - both with your partner and other members of family/community.

12..... I write 12 because I KNOW there are things I've missed... as I said it's hard to write this due to the subject being so broad!  Some of you have miscarried, some have welcomed sleeping angels, some have known no problem until birth or until much later... some are still with us and some are looking over us... whatever your story it IS worth telling - A friend of my Mums whose child has Spina Bifida (and is now a married adult with a child of her own!)  recently told her that she didn't really have anything to contribute because she just used humour the entire way through - THAT IS worth telling!  We don't all have stories of woe, sure we've had moments of it (we all wallow ocassionally) but there are those wonderful people who have just taken the news on the chin and soldier like said "Where to from here then!"

Please feel free to include photo's in your story, nothing is out of bounds so long as it's appropriate to your story and your child. 

If there is something I've missed here, or something you're unsure of please ask me - here or on my facebook page or through personal email.  No question is stupid, no story is "not worth telling"

I may well update this when I've had a few coffee's and my brain kicks into gear however for now, there you have it :))

I hope your day is bright and full of love,
Trine xxx

The small people are often more clever than us

This is beautiful and I just had to share it..made me want to go wake up my son and give him a hug..


"I loved you the minute I heard you were coming. I loved you the minute you were born. Then I saw your face and fell in love some more. You were only a minute old, but I knew I would die for you and to this day I still would. When you choose to have a child you make a conscious decision to allow your heart to walk around your body."

And..

--One day your life will flash before your eyes, make sure it's worth watching. --

This quote gave me a kick in the bum to be honest. How much time do we waste thinking about doing something but often never actually make that next step? So far, I've let too much of my life slide by just being not DOING....well, the time has come ladies and gentlemen... the time has come.

This book, is the start of my actually doing something. A thought, that had been sitting there being turned over and over for an age then finally, with a little encouragement, extracted from the dreamy area of my life and bought out into reality. It may be a hit and equally so it may be a flop. The process will not be easy, I'm sure I will encounter many roadblocks where I wonder if all the heartache and invested time is worth it. But nothing worth having or doing is easy right?

DOING and not dreaming or thinking is scary. This idea of failing is terrifying. But hey, we get one shot at this thing called life. Why not give it your all.... lets take a page out of our childrens book... kids will give everything their all without thinking of the what-if. IF they fail, they may dwell on it for a small amount of time, but it won't be long (I guarantee it) until they've thrown themselves head first into their next dream with just as much enthusiasm.

We can learn so much from our children.

From little things, BIG things grow!

It started as a good idea.  Formed in the back of my mind, constantly pushed aside because I have been "too busy"...  But then I scribbled on a piece of paper and it seemed do-able.  I spoke to a few people in not so confident whispers and they said "Do it, we'll contribute".  I posted in a forum I'm a member of and got a great response.  Then, somehow - it became real.

Some very exciting things have happened this last week.  I have been getting a several emails a day from people who are wishing (so generously) to share their stories.  Already, I have three completed stories in my hot little hands.  One is a 22 page journal which I am working my way through (box of tissues beside me) and will use appropriate sections of in the book.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by all the support and peoples willingness to talk about the moments that changed their lives.  For every one of you that has shared this, has offered to contribute or are reading this now I thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, thankyou for helping me make this happen.


In the next week or so I will be popping a list of questions that you can answer if you are wanting to write but just have no clue where to start or what to say.  So keep your eye out for that.

Enjoy your night (go hug your children)

Trine xxx

A project with heart, requires your story.

My name is Katrina, though everyone calls me Trine.  I am 31 years old.  I am a wife and mother.  There is nothing particularily interesting about me or my life.  I'm a daughter, a sister, and aunt.  I have no particular talents that stand me apart from others.  I work two jobs, neither of them being to do with something I'm passionate about, but they pay the bills and afford me small amounts of time with my beautiful little boy.

Why on earth has someone so ordinary bothered to start a blog you ask?  Well, that's a very good question, and please - grab a coffee to wake you up and read on.  Please, I would love you to let me know what you think of how I'm spending my spare time.

I'm compiling a book and have thus far recieved quite alot of very positive responses to my project. What is it about? Righto here we go.......

I am putting together a book specifically aimed at people who have just been told that there is something wrong with their child - either during pregnancy or afterwards. Also including those that have been told early on in their pregnancy of a significant problem, then made the difficult decision to terminate and how they dealt with that on an emotional level.

I don't want to put together a medical journal - that would be missing the whole point. It is not to be focused on EXACTLY what the problem is/was in depth. What I want are a compilation of stories from the perspective of mums/dads/uncles/aunts/grandparents/siblings etc that deal with the emotional rollercoaster. I want raw, honest emotion. What I really want is to be able to produce a book for those people who are feeling incredibly angry/confused/lost/helpless but also the positive people who have taken the news in their stride and gone - OK, what do we do from here. I want mums and dads to be able to find a story they can identify with and hopefully - that lets them know how they are dealing with this hurdle is normal (even if they are laying in bed crying) and someone else has been there and gotten through it. I want relatives or friends to be able to pick up this book and understand where their loved on is right now and exactly what they may be experiencing. Because as you know, until you've walked a mile in someone’s shoes...

I want to hear exactly how people felt at THAT moment when you heard the news or felt themselves that something wasn't right (were you in denial, did you jump into action?) and then afterwards. How other people reacted, friends or family or just the lady on the street.

I was wondering if any of you would be interested in writing a piece for the book? There is no pressure or hurry - right now I'm not even past the touching base with people stage, though I have a number of people already writing a draft for me to work on :) I don't expect a whole books worth, this is to be a bunch of short stories not long journeys through your lives. You don't have to have your name attached (maybe just your first name or anon) I don't want anything prettied up - I've heard one lady say that sadly, for a few weeks towards the end of her pregnancy she hated her baby and blamed it for ruining her life (this didn't last thankfully) I'm sure she isn't the only one that has felt such pain and so alone.

Feel free to forward my details to anyone you think may be interested in participating in this they don't need to be a super writer - everything will be edited and chopped and fixed up later anyway and the end product will go back to the owner of the piece it for their approval. My email is katrinakruse@hotmail.com

I have already received some very positive feedback and I really want to get this off the ground. I've heard several people talk about how dark and alone they felt being surrounded by people who didn't really grasp the way it impacts your soul finding out that your baby is, although absolutely perfect to you, going to face such hurdles in their lives. As a parent, there are so many emotional responses involved in being given any less than perfect outcome for the little being that you want to see grow up, marry, have children, be independant, travel, have a career etc. We start out, upon finding out we're pregnant with so many hopes and dreams for this little person growing in our bellies.
I hope that we can make just a handful of people, feel a little less alone and give them the truth as to how a "normal" person has coped already with this verdict (or not coped either way..)

Please as I said forward my details to anyone you think might also want to tell their story bearing in mind it needn't be a deeply impacting problem - it could be something as simple as hearing difficulties, or resulted in losing your angel.

It's all about hearing a Doctor say something you wish they'd take back and how this changed your world forever.

Thankyou for reading this. I've also contacted many (many) different medical centers and support systems to try to tease stories out of people. If you know someone who may be interested in being involved - or you think their story should be told, please let me know.

Thankyou all so, so much. I understand this is a sensitive subject, and alot of people wouldn't like to discuss it. But sometimes I've found it's the stories that aren't told that are the ones that could help someone else to cope a little better. Pre my little guy arriving, with the losses I suffered I had never felt so incredibly alone, and so wrong to be so wishing I had died too. I felt that according to the world I should have just picked myself up out of the hospital bed and gone "meh... well, maybe next time" dusted my hands off and gotten on with life like it'd never happened.

If even one of you forwards this, or shares your story I thank you so greatly in advance!

Trine xxxx