Sunday, 25 December 2011

Today I was due..

A million years ago on this day I had a due date. A day that should have outshined Christmas. Instead I have a day that means nothing but cricket and recovering from the exhaustion of Christmas Day.
I have a day that means only something quietly to me, one that no one else remembers, one I can't celebrate nor grieve.
A pregnancy that has become the pivotal event in my life, that has shaped it ever since.
I wish I knew you.
I wish I got to hold your hand while you had a tantrum in the supermarket over not being allowed a lolly. I wish I got to stay up, checking your temperature every 20 mins because you were ill and I was worried. I wish I could have watched you wander off to your first day of kinder, or argued with you about eating your dinner -again.
I wish you were remembered by others, so I didn't feel so lonely in my sadness.
I loved you.
You existed to me.
I remember... Though sometimes I wish I could forget.


  1. My deepest sympathies.... I'm very touched by this post and just wanted you to know.

  2. I'm sorry. All I can think is what my Aunty told me when I lost my own baby that "You learn to live with the pain, but you never get over it." I hope amongst the very bittersweet memories of the day, you managed to have some moments of laughter and light. x

  3. "You learn to live with the pain, but you never get over it."

    I love that saying.

    Trine, I remember.. I remeber your mum telling us how excited you all were that you were going to have a litle family of your own. I remember seeing you after you lost your baby and how sad you looked... I wanted to come up and give you the biggest hug!. Just remember you have the sweetest little boy in the world and that's all you need!. I know what it's like to "want" more perfect babies, but you have your 2 boys and you are behond blessed to have those gorgeous/healthy boys in your life.

    <3 Manda.