Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Self preservation says...

That for a while I am taking a step back from this project. I am really struggling with many things at the moment and I require a little selfish mental vacation from everything extra curricular.
I simply can't give anything else the heart it deserves right now so, I am retreating for a time until my other goings on are sorted.
I used to be such a nice, constantly positive person with so much love and light to give (My sister pointed out she missed that woman, that she has become so lost to those I love truly hurts)
Many things have broken me down over the years and I haven't been running fast enough to stay ahead of them as I've grown weary from the chase.
I will sort things out - sometimes it's just harder than you think it will be. Eventually I will be whoever I was. Right now I'm a bit of a uselessly hollow whinging shell of the person I used to know as me.
So, as I don't wish to inflict this on any one of you and your stories deserve my 300% of effort and skill I will return, with a team of support and knowledge (This is proving too big to do alone, with no emotional supporters nearby) at some point - hopefully in the no to distant future.

Thankyou for your input, stories and support thus far. I will be back, and if you are still on board at that time, together we will get this book out there . Please do keep working on your story, and asking others to do the same. Still send them through - just be aware that no editing etc will be embarked upon for a while. I'm sorry.... I feel terrible... But this mental break is essential for me.

Sending you all the kindest thoughts I can muster xxxxx

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Today I was due..

A million years ago on this day I had a due date. A day that should have outshined Christmas. Instead I have a day that means nothing but cricket and recovering from the exhaustion of Christmas Day.
I have a day that means only something quietly to me, one that no one else remembers, one I can't celebrate nor grieve.
A pregnancy that has become the pivotal event in my life, that has shaped it ever since.
I wish I knew you.
I wish I got to hold your hand while you had a tantrum in the supermarket over not being allowed a lolly. I wish I got to stay up, checking your temperature every 20 mins because you were ill and I was worried. I wish I could have watched you wander off to your first day of kinder, or argued with you about eating your dinner -again.
I wish you were remembered by others, so I didn't feel so lonely in my sadness.
I loved you.
You existed to me.
I remember... Though sometimes I wish I could forget.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Reflections of Motherhood

This is a clip we should all have watched before our babies came.. I can identify most with the one about sitting up at night just watching him breathe when he's sick... oh, how many nights I've done that...

Merry Christmas everyone!
I hope it's an easy one in your house this year xxx

Friday, 2 December 2011

Wish for me...

Just let me cry

I found this today on Angels of the Heart and had to repost it. I'm sure like for me, this speaks for many of you also xx
♥ Please See Me Through My Tears ♥

You asked, "How are you doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes...and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me had drained away.

"How am I doing?"
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable.
If you've never known it, you cannot fully understand.
Yet I need you.
When you look away,
I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're nature's way of helping me to heal.
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,
Not knowing what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don't need to do a thing but be there.

When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me.
You need not speak.... Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient...do not fear.
Listening with your heart to "how I am doing" relieves the pain
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've wanted to say aloud, clearing space
for a touch of joy in my life.
I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots... because I'm trying to protect YOU from my tears.
Then we both hurt ME, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness and YOU, because suddenly we are distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...
then we can be close again.
~Author Unknown