Thursday, 15 September 2011

They always did tell me "Life isn't fair" when I was growing up.. how true.. how true indeed.

Many apologies lovely people for as you would have (perhaps?) noticed I have been a little absent of late.  I've been going through a little personal turmoil, and I couldn't find the inspiration to write, so I thought best to lay low on the blog for a moment. 

The baby conversation has been bought up at our house again by our precious five year old.  It's almost as if Joe knows what has been ringing around my head since I took up this project, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that our family is again talking baby with new little Evie on the scene (and she is so incredibly beautiful).  I'm a member of several wonderful support groups and I'll just share what I wrote on one of these to give you an idea of what's been going on...

"I need some advice - last night my cherub wanted to talk about the babies before him, he does this often.. He tells me one was his brother and one his sister. He asked me, so innocently if he could go to heaven 'just for a minute' to meet them and tell them he wished they has survived because he missed them.. I'm sure many of you have had your children ask such things? Joe cried when I told him that's not how it works and he said the people in heaven must be mean if they wouldn't let him in. I'm not religious and I don't really know how to handle this, it's hard for me not to cry when we talk about it and I need some idea of how to explain things to him to make it easier for his little five year old self. He often says 'it's not fair we couldn't keep them' and I do so I need a battle plan, I find it extremely hard to think through the intense sadness that hits me like a brick wall the instant we go there and find something comforting to say to him..  :( "

I'm not asking for advice here, simply telling you that I've not been onboard for a good reason.  The other question I've been getting alot is "I want a brother or a sister".  This is fair, and he has no idea how much I'd love to give him one, but for us that is not meant to be.  Joe is our miracle and I was lucky to survive him and to risk more would be risking leaving him without a mother.  We're getting there, but it's hard for him to understand that I'm not just being mean when I say no and that I often cry for the babies I couldn't have, and the lots of brothers and sisters we originally had planned... we were going to have such a tribe!  Unfotunately, someone had other plans for us.  The thing I find hardest is when he asks me at random times (ie in the supermarket... he obviously mulls these things over alot..) "Mum, is it because I'm naughty that we can't have another baby?"  *insert sound of mothers heart breaking* He is anything but the kind of child that would put you off having more.  My boy, is beautiful.  He has a beautiful heart, he's kind, he's sweet, he's thoughtful, he's noisy, he's very much a boy and he is perfect.  I would have a million of him... one day he'll understand I suppose.

Sorry to everyone that I told I would throw some prompting questions up here for - I am halfway through them and will post them very shortly (better late than never right?)


  1. My heart aches for you reading this. It is hard with little children dealing with the concept of grief when they don't understand the meaning and permanence of death, isn't it? When they can't understand the concept of forever.

    Following the death of my mother, my children would ask me very similar questions at all the same situations you mentioned - although for some reason, a lot of the time it happened when I was driving the car. It sure was hard to keep steering and straight on the road, I can tell you.

    For a while, it felt like they were questioning me constantly about it. I guess they were just trying to understand and come to terms with it in their own way.

    I guess I'm writing this today to say I wish I had some magic words that I could give you to tell them to make dealing with it easier, but can't - it absolutely rips at your heart.

    All I can say is that I can identify and agree you, that learning the lesson that "life isn't always fair" can be a pretty damn difficult pill to swallow sometimes.

    Take care x

  2. Thankyou for taking the time to write x

    It's true it's a hard lesson! Some of the things he comes out with are both heartbreaking AND beautiful. Children see things in such a different light in their innocence.
    In a way, his constant questions and need for understanding are good for me. Here is one person that is willing to talk about these babies like they existed, he keeps them alive for me when the conversation is too real And confronting for many adults xx