Monday, 26 September 2011


My goodness me, I logged in on my phone to my fb page this morning and there were so many new messages and "likers" that I got a bit misty eyed!  But...lets be honest, it doesn't take much for my waterworks to malfunction on a good day! I'm an emotionally driven person - that goes every which way.. I deal in extremes of emotion - it's not a bad thing but having a "I'm so encouraged and touched that you are all supporting my project" teary in the loader is probably not so great.

Though I would like to say.... THANK YOU!!

When I launched into this with whispered ambition, carefully putting my feelers out for fear of being ridiculed or told I was dreaming and it would be an emotional project that would turn out to be a royal waste of my rare and precious spare time.... I never dreamed I would find such open support.
You following me on facebook, reading my blog, sending me emails of encouragement and sharing your lives with me has me humbled and honored.
I started scared and feeling a little exposed, after all I'm laying myself bare here also... But now I'm both energized and encouraged by you all.  I still have the occasional "Oh my goodness, I'm seriously in the deep end" moments but if I just keep on plugging away without putting too much pressure on myself, and with your patience, this will be wonderful. 

What some of you have dealt with is beyond my comprehension, you amaze me, and I am extremely proud to have met you. Already you are changing my life, as you will change others in the end.

Much love to you all xxx Trine

PS ( below is the reason I wasn't answering emails yesterday - today's excuse was work -- and I still have about 3 hours of it before I sleep - it's 9pm.. *yawn*)

This is my family and neice's Evie and Riley at Riley's second birthday party.  Precious people..

Enjoy your night, hold your precious people tight.
Trine xx

Friday, 23 September 2011

For a Saturday, it's not too bad :)

Some beautiful 'baby came home' stories have arrived. Nothing like crying happy tears xx

I'm spending today at work (on the loader/weighbridge) It's crisply cool but the sky is blue and the sun is shining. I'm tired, and of course I wish I had the day off - it is Saturday after all! But I'm incredibly lucky to be working with two of my favourite people. My Mum (she's one of the most beautiful people on the planet- it's true, ask anyone)and.... My son Joe is here with me too. How lucky am I?

Please keep plugging away at your stories, they mean so much to me right now (I'm feeling very humbled) and eventually when they go to print your experience could help to give someone else perspective or comfort.

I wish you all the most beautiful day,
Trine xxx

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Exactly WHAT am I asking for?

I've had many emails from people offering up their story, the tale of their not so textbook launch into parenthood.  To all those that have contacted me I thank you greatly - if I haven't gotten back to you in a while I will eventually (remember, this is my "spare time" project!?). 
I have been overwhelmed by what I have read so far, and there is much more to come.

Many have said they would like to share but are unsure of exactly what they should write... so I thought I'd pop (finally) a few things here that I was hoping you'd cover - obviously you don't have to cover them all, and you may wish to talk about completely different things that you went or are still going through - this is absolutely fine.  You are sharing your personal account of your emotional rollercoaster, whatever you wish to share is fine, each persons journey is different, each person deals with thing or found certain things to be stronger than another. 

Don't take my "suggestions" on topics as the rule - I am simply wanting to give guidance to those that want to share but are a little lost.  If you are going somewhere totally different with your story DO IT! 

So, here is what I'm thinking on POSSIBLE things to cover.

Firstly, please try to stay away from too many technical medical jargon.  Some of this may be necessary to the story but this is basically about the human element, the rollercoaster of feelings you rode or are riding.  Also please try not to accuse any medical professionals of anything, that's not appropriate in this book.  So upon saying that...

1. How you felt upon finding out you were pregnant (was it planned, a nice/poorly timed suprise, IVF etc) The hopes and dreams you entertained in the pre news stage.
2. A little about the pregnancy ie, was it "textbook" how did you feel both physically and emotionally, how did your PARTNER feel and do during this time (please don't forget him, he went through this too)

3. I suppose the important bit for this particular project is the moment that you discovered something was wrong.  Was it a gut feeling you had and followed up on it?  Was it a shock at a scan? Was it at birth? Was it several years into your child life?

4. How was this news broken and by whom?

5. What was your inital reaction?  What was your partners reaction? Did you go numb, feel lost or confused or fall apart?  Did you begin the grieve right then? (this applies I think even if the outcome isn't certain death, to each piece of bad news we experience a grief process) Did you react with anger - to whom was this directed?  Did you remain calm and it was other people that reacted strongly (ie partner, your parents, friends etc) In that first few moments, exactly what went through your mind.

6. Who did you tell first?  What were the reactions of friends and family (on a continued basis - the initial reaction to your news and then later - did they support you, did you lose friends, were they uncomfortable or did they really shine for you?)

 7. What were you told the outcome for your child was and the timeframe you were looking at? How did you deal with this? ---
---For some of you the "problem" was temporary and eventually fixable or at least manageable, for others it has meant a lifetime of dedication and work, some got only moments - if that - with their miracle.. for each of you the guidelines and story are different, please take all this with a grain of salt and simply let the emotional side of your journey flow..When I receive your story I shall let you know if there is something that I would like covered a little more intensely IF you are comfortable with that.

8. If you have other children I think it's important to try to get a little of how you dealt with their questions and how they coped with things.

9. Did you reach out to others going through the same thing as you? Do you now? What or who have you found that helps you?

10. If your child is still with us ( yay!) how are they? What is their quality of life and how do you cope emotionally and physically each day?  If not, did you have a funeral and how did you cope with that? Have you set anything up in their name to remember them by or help others through what you have or are experiencing?

11.  How has all this affected your relationships - both with your partner and other members of family/community.

12..... I write 12 because I KNOW there are things I've missed... as I said it's hard to write this due to the subject being so broad!  Some of you have miscarried, some have welcomed sleeping angels, some have known no problem until birth or until much later... some are still with us and some are looking over us... whatever your story it IS worth telling - A friend of my Mums whose child has Spina Bifida (and is now a married adult with a child of her own!)  recently told her that she didn't really have anything to contribute because she just used humour the entire way through - THAT IS worth telling!  We don't all have stories of woe, sure we've had moments of it (we all wallow ocassionally) but there are those wonderful people who have just taken the news on the chin and soldier like said "Where to from here then!"

Please feel free to include photo's in your story, nothing is out of bounds so long as it's appropriate to your story and your child. 

If there is something I've missed here, or something you're unsure of please ask me - here or on my facebook page or through personal email.  No question is stupid, no story is "not worth telling"

I may well update this when I've had a few coffee's and my brain kicks into gear however for now, there you have it :))

I hope your day is bright and full of love,
Trine xxx

Monday, 19 September 2011

You just find something that works..

You're having a tough day - whatever tough means in your world.  It may be that you are again in the hospital hovering over your child, all the time wondering how exactly the world can just keep rotating while something so important is suffering infront of your eyes, how it doesn't all just cease to exist for a moment while God or whatever you believe focuses on fixing your precious little person. 
Tough in your world may be that you couldn't avoid the baby in Woolworths in the shopping cart crying and reaching out for a comforting hug from it's mother who is obviously at the end of her tether is telling it what a terribly child it is....when you have just heard for the fourth time in a year that you have miscarried.
Tough may simply be that you are tired and the washing is mounting an attack on your laundry that you haven't the strength to fight against right now but it's bothering you all the same.
Whatever your version of having a tough day we all have a little something we use to get us through it.  Maybe not at first, we stumble around for a while usually until we find something that sits you down, rubs dettol on your problem and puts a little butterfly bandaid on it making it, for just a moment, feel a little better.
It may be a mantra you repeat to yourself (think Dory on Nemo "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming" - funnily enough, I have used her mantra before!) It may be a person that you go to that gets you through.  Could be that you write in a diary or meditate or exercise... who knows. 
For me, this poem has helped many times.  So, I thought I would share it....I often feel like the Oak.. not mighty by any means.. but the wind certainly blows and it's done it's best to knock me down...
The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.

But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"

The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.

Beautiful right?

I have a tattoo on my wrist, it says "Validus".  It's latin, for "Stronger".

 Because I may have and still do have times where I can see nothing but black and I am angry at the world for my past and for the future it's stolen from me... or I am engulfed by a sea of sadness and it feels as if it would almost be more beautiful to just let myself drown in it than swim....There have been many, many things that could have, and probably should have ended me.  But they haven't.  I have survived all of them, I'm stronger than even I realise and this reminds me, in my dark moments of that.

What keeps you going when you can't see the sunshine?

Saturday, 17 September 2011

A child is a gift

Sometimes I wish every mum could grasp what an incredible gift a child is - but then I remember how I came to realise it and decide that perhaps that's not a fair thing to wish upon them.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

They always did tell me "Life isn't fair" when I was growing up.. how true.. how true indeed.

Many apologies lovely people for as you would have (perhaps?) noticed I have been a little absent of late.  I've been going through a little personal turmoil, and I couldn't find the inspiration to write, so I thought best to lay low on the blog for a moment. 

The baby conversation has been bought up at our house again by our precious five year old.  It's almost as if Joe knows what has been ringing around my head since I took up this project, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that our family is again talking baby with new little Evie on the scene (and she is so incredibly beautiful).  I'm a member of several wonderful support groups and I'll just share what I wrote on one of these to give you an idea of what's been going on...

"I need some advice - last night my cherub wanted to talk about the babies before him, he does this often.. He tells me one was his brother and one his sister. He asked me, so innocently if he could go to heaven 'just for a minute' to meet them and tell them he wished they has survived because he missed them.. I'm sure many of you have had your children ask such things? Joe cried when I told him that's not how it works and he said the people in heaven must be mean if they wouldn't let him in. I'm not religious and I don't really know how to handle this, it's hard for me not to cry when we talk about it and I need some idea of how to explain things to him to make it easier for his little five year old self. He often says 'it's not fair we couldn't keep them' and I do so I need a battle plan, I find it extremely hard to think through the intense sadness that hits me like a brick wall the instant we go there and find something comforting to say to him..  :( "

I'm not asking for advice here, simply telling you that I've not been onboard for a good reason.  The other question I've been getting alot is "I want a brother or a sister".  This is fair, and he has no idea how much I'd love to give him one, but for us that is not meant to be.  Joe is our miracle and I was lucky to survive him and to risk more would be risking leaving him without a mother.  We're getting there, but it's hard for him to understand that I'm not just being mean when I say no and that I often cry for the babies I couldn't have, and the lots of brothers and sisters we originally had planned... we were going to have such a tribe!  Unfotunately, someone had other plans for us.  The thing I find hardest is when he asks me at random times (ie in the supermarket... he obviously mulls these things over alot..) "Mum, is it because I'm naughty that we can't have another baby?"  *insert sound of mothers heart breaking* He is anything but the kind of child that would put you off having more.  My boy, is beautiful.  He has a beautiful heart, he's kind, he's sweet, he's thoughtful, he's noisy, he's very much a boy and he is perfect.  I would have a million of him... one day he'll understand I suppose.

Sorry to everyone that I told I would throw some prompting questions up here for - I am halfway through them and will post them very shortly (better late than never right?)